


You Are Such A Shit, Liv

by le_singe_est_sur_la_branche



Series: The Witch and The Warden [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Alistair and Liv being the best fo bros and weirding people out, Cussing, Drinking, Gen, Just bros being bros, Leliana is so done despite not even really making an appearance, Minor Angst, a whole lotta dailogue, basically it's just self serving fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 09:10:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8138581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/le_singe_est_sur_la_branche/pseuds/le_singe_est_sur_la_branche
Summary: "I missed you, Ali-kins." She mumbled in to his shirt, and he sighed heavily, snuggling in some more.
"You smell really bad, Liv." She cackled, going weak at how hard she was laughing. He ended up sinking them down on to the ground. They got weird looks from the people passing by. Maybe it was a bit weird to be sitting on the tavern floor.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was a lot of fun to write but it's kind of all over the place. 
> 
> Takes place before You're Looking Lovely Tonight. 
> 
> Olivia and Alistair seeing each other for the first time in years, at the Herald's Rest in Skyhold. Liv and Alistair are the best bros in Thedas, and nothing can stop them from being basically Thedas' first frat boys.  
> Bull is thoroughly amused.  
> Liv lives in fear of the powerful women in her life, and if she's not hiding from Morrigan, she's hiding from Leliana.

"Are you gonna punch me or...." Olivia said uncomfortably, watching Alistair stare at her. Seconds have turned to minutes, and the wounded Hero is wondering if her best friend is about to murder her.

"You bitch." Alistair scoffed, before pulling her roughly in to a hug. Olivia stumbled in to it, wincing and whining in pain. "Shut up, you had me so worried. When the Inquisitor said you were missing, Maker's breath, Morrigan actually wrote me, Olivia. What were you thinking?"

"Like all of it, or just this past disappearance?" She said hesitantly, staring at him. He huffed, his face doing that twitching thing most of her friends do when she's being an asshole. Yeah, she's noticed it's a trend.

"Andraste's tits, you are such a bastard. I hope Morrigan does actually kill you this time." He said bitingly. She grinned at him, hugging him again. He relented after a minute of fighting, and sunk in to it. Anyone else besides Lel or Zev, the length of this hug would probably be uncomfortable. But she didn't pull away even when it devolved in to them using each other to keep themselves up. 

"I missed you, Ali-kins." She mumbled in to his shirt, and he sighed heavily, snuggling in some more.

"You smell really bad, Liv." She cackled, going weak at how hard she was laughing. He ended up sinking them down on to the ground. They got weird looks from the people passing by. Maybe it was a bit weird to be sitting on the tavern floor. 

"You're no spring rose yourself, big guy." She teased lightly, leaning against his side, tucking her head against his shoulder. Her body ached hard sitting this way, but she wouldn't change it for the world, he felt real and safe here. "Hey, you know I love you, yeah?" She asked a few moments later, looking up at him through her lashes.

"Yeah, I love you, too. Even if you are an asshole." He huffed, petting her hair. 

"You guys alright down there?" They looked up, Alistair chuckling when Olivia gave The Iron Bull a wave.

"What, you never seen old war buddies greet each other?" She scolded. Bull snorted, cocking his head a bit.

"Apparently not."

"This man is one of the greatest things to happen to me, to Thedas. I'm appreciating him." She said, wrapping her arms around Alistair's waist. He groaned, rubbing at his face.

"It's weird when you say this shit sober, Liv." He complained.

"I love ya, you lug, almost as much as I love Morrigan, yeah. I think you pulled the moon outta your ass."

"Shut up." Alistair couldn't hold in the laugh, shaking his head, unable to look at their spectator. 

"Aw, don't be shy, Ali, Morrigan knows, she knows that you're my second love. You don't gotta pretend like it's not true."

"You are such a shit." Alistair growled, shoving her lightly, giving her a scowl. It devolved in to crazed laughter when she made kissy faces at him. "Maker's breath, how did we ever save Ferelden?" He asked, sounding like he asked himself that at least once a day.

"Eh, we had Wynne and Sten to play ma and pa, we got things done." Olivia shrugged, grinning happily. 

"I don't say this to many people, but you guys are really weird."

"You have an article in your name, imekari, and you callin' me weird? I used to flirt with your Arishok!" She yelled at Bull, who looked at her in shock. He choked on a laugh. 

"Respect for your elders!" She cried, wriggling so she could sit against Alistair more comfortably. 

"Damn, you still have a bony ass." He squirmed, shoving her off his lap.

"Ouch! I'm wounded!" She protested.

"You're an idiot, that's what you are."

"Oh, like that's really news! Send it out to Orlais! Let the Empress know! Olivia Cousland, Hero of Ferelden, woman who willingly took on an Archdemon, a Blighted hoard and the Fade is an idiot. That's obvious."

"That's considered brave."

"Bravery is just another word for stupidity." Olivia scoffed, stretching out give Hunter a nice rub. He crawled over, laying over Alistair's legs.

"Hey, big guy, whose a good mabari? You takin' good care of your stupid owner?" Alistair said, rubbing and scratching Hunter's neck. Hunter whined, nuzzling in to the man's hands.

"Traitor. You never scratch my neck." Olivia pouted at him. He rolled his eyes. 

"How you survived this long with Morrigan is amazing. The Maker really did bless the idiots." 

"Morrigan loves me, Alistair."

"She has to, to put up with you every damn day." He muttered.

"Don't be mean to me." She whined, snuggling in to his side. "I'm wounded."

"Maker's breath." Was his reply. She grinned. "Have you seen Leliana since you've been awake?" Olivia froze, giving him a look of dread.

"She'll really kill me, Alistair. She's already sent evil maids after me."

"Those were babysitters, not maids."

"And they ain't evil." Bull butted in. Both Wardens turned to him.

"Sorry, I didn't realize you were still here." Alistair said, rather bluntly. Bull shrugged, setting down three pints of ale.

"I'm enjoying the show."

"The real show'll cost ya." She gave him a wink. Alistair rolled his eyes.

"It's not worth the money." He added.

"Eurgh, why do you wound me like this, friend? My trusted friend?" She mimed being stabbed, collapsing on to Hunter. The dog grunted, looked just about as done as Alistair.

"You can't avoid Red forever, though." Bull commented. Alistair smirked when his best friend grabbed up one of the mugs and took a deep chug.

"You have no idea how hard it can be, being the best friend of the greatest spy Thedas has seen is ages."

"You love Leliana more than me." Alistair mumbled. 

"I fear Leliana more than you, Ali. She's my third love."

"That's what you used to say to Sten." He grunted. Olivia laughed.

"Sten's moved down. Did you know the last time I sent him cookies, he set them on fire, then sent me the ashes?" She pouted.

"You should be glad he hasn't brought the Ataam to crush us because you keep harassing him."

"What? He wouldn't do that, I'm his kadan." She said smugly. Bull choked on his ale. She gave him a wink, cocky. 

"Pretty sure if you keep sending the bastard cakes and cookies, Denerim is gonna be the first to burn." Alistair snorted. 

"I'm pretty sure you're just jealous that I don't send you cookies."

"No, you send me poetry you've written about Morrigan, asking my opinion on the color of her eyes or the way her hair shines the burn of her fireballs-"

"I'm a romantic woman, fiery red blood pumps through these Ferelden veins of mine, Alistair."

"Morrigan would set you on fire if she knew about the shit you send me." 

"Which is why you will never tell her." Olivia nodded sagely. Alistair grinned.

"As long as you behave." He agreed. She immediately pulled out a pout, leaning on his arm.

"Ali-kins!" She whined.

"Oh, hey, is that Leliana?" Alistair asked, looking over the table, where Olivia couldn't see, as low down as she was, trying to cuddle under his arm.

"Fuck!" Olivia slide down lower, whimpering when her bruises and stitches pulled. 

"Oh, nope, just a waitress." Alistair said dryly, grunting when his best friend elbowed him sharply in the thigh.

"You asshole!"

"Don't even start with me! You owe me so much! I should drag you by your ear to Leliana, and watch her tear you apart." Alistair threatened. Olivia whimpered again, even more pathetically.

"So why does Red want to kill you?" Bull asked, raising a brow.

"Because I almost got myself killed instead of asking for help. Also, because I disappeared off the map several times with Morrigan with out tellin' her or our friend, Zev. Which is a big no-no."

"When the Blight ended and we all went our separate ways, we promised that, Morrigan and Sten excluded, we'd stay in contact with at least two people so we could be found no matter what should we need help. When Olivia ditched all her responsibilities to play house-"

"Damn, tell me how you really feel, Alistair." She grunted, but shrugged off the look Alistair sent her, head down.

"She didn't really keep up her part of the bargain. Luckily, Leliana is amazing at what she does. But Morrigan is also good with just disappearing with out a trace."

"We were protecting our son." Olivia said, unapologetically.

"You could've sent a bird to one of us. Even if it was just a note that said 'still alive'." Alistair said disgruntedly. Olivia pressed up to his side, her cheek on his broad shoulder, sighing softly.

"Yeah, I'm a shitty friend." She sounded apologetic now.

"You're just blinded and turned stupid by Morrigan."

"I'm bewitched." Olivia said, and Alistair huffed, rolling his eyes up like he was praying for strength. Olivia cackled, and drained the rest of her ale. "More ale! Happier thoughts!" She proclaimed.

"It's your turn to buy." Alistair shoved her hard in the direction of the bar. She grunted, landed on the floor with an explosion of pain.

"Fucker." She huffed but got up, limping over to the bar.

"Yer gonna break'er, if you keep shoving her." Bull commented lightly. Alistair snorted.

"Ask her about what she used to do to my bruises when she was bored." He muttered, chuckling at the weird look Bull sent his way. 

"I'll fit it in between the ones I have about dragons and epic fights." Bull agreed.

"Ooh, ask about the werewolves." Alistair prompted. 

"Ask about what?" Olivia returned, three tankards of ale, and three shots of Dwarven whiskey, the disgusting, might actually kill you shit. Bull grinned.

"Werewolves." He said, nodded at her when she handed him his shot. She grinned wildly, doing her shot like it was a gulp of water.

"Oh, yeah, werewolves!"

**Author's Note:**

> God, I hope this is actually coherent enough for people to enjoy! Thank you for reading, if you liked, let me know!
> 
> Also, Maker's breath, Liv, could you be a bit more responsible?  
> The answer is no.


End file.
